For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the
baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That`s the ugliest baby I`ve ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said:
"Why, he`s a public servant and shouldn`t say things to insult passengers."
"You`re right" she said. "I think I`ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That`s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes.
"I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park,
until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
"and I'm going to give you a special gift.
I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes,
from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great!
Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on it's head."

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend.
He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the Rail Road tracks one day, he hears this whistle
-- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ***-over-tea-kettle,
to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling.
He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."